'Time in': How to nurture your most important relationship – the one you have with yourself

I provided some input for this article about prioritising time with oneself, published in Mindful Puzzles.

For a lot of us, we are so busy doing, doing, doing, that we can't wait to have some time out.

Time out is time you can take to get away from the demands being placed on you (which includes other people and tasks). Some people call this "zoning out". You'll know you're taking time out when you feel kinda meh and whatever it is you're doing, you're lacking in presence and purpose (e.g. aimlessly scrolling on your phone; watching TV on auto-pilot; eating directly from the ice-cream tub; or even drinking just a few too many glasses of wine).

Time in is time you can take to move toward the kind of person you want to be. It's about taking some time to give yourself space to find your presence, connect with what matters to you, and reflect on where you are at. Unlike time out, time in, connects you to you! You are reflecting with purpose and taking some time for self-care. You'll know you're taking time in when you feel engaged in what you're doing in the moment (e.g. tuning in to you, journaling, reading a book for leisure; mindfully walking or exercising; eating something nourishing and maybe a little naughty; doing something creative etc).

Click here to access the article.

Don't struggle with worry! Instead, *pause*, say "Hello worry", and find a way forward...

Worry... Worry... Worry...

Worry or "what if" thinking, is when your mind thinks of things that have gone wrong or could go wrong. It can feel like your mind is moving fast. Worry thoughts tend to create more worry thoughts and you may even notice that you begin to worry about how much you are worrying! Yikes!

So let's *pause* just for a moment. This next thing I'm about to say is possibly unexpected: Our minds are designed to wonder, "How did that go wrong!?" and "What if something bad happens!?". This thinking allows us to learn from negative experiences, anticipate dangers and choose safer ways forward.

Dr. Rick Hanson (Psychologist, Author and Mindfulness expert) says:

“Your brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive ones”.

The good news is that the brain's in-built negativity bias is actually not the problem. The problem with worry is when we get stuck in it, go over and over the same things, and struggle to see a way forward.

Stress in the body

Whatever your experience of worry is, it's likely that you felt energised in your body. People often call that feeling "stressed" or "anxiety". You may notice things like your heart racing, tense muscles, faster and shallow breathing, or a dry mouth.

Time to *pause* again. I have something else to say that is possibly unexpected: Stress is your body's way of signaling its time to get ready to take action! Stress and anxiety are normal reactions that prepare your body to deal with danger.

Rising to the challenge

Kelly McGonigal (Psychologist, Author, Educator) recommends changing the way we think about stress. What if you began to see stress as helpful and an opportunity to "rise to this challenge"? What if you you stepped back and connected the dots between what you fear and what really matters to you? What if worry didn't win and instead you focused that energy on finding a way forward?

Next time worry comes up, choose to do something helpful like:

• Pause and connect to the moment.

• Say "Hello, here's worry" and write down your concerns.

• Consider your options. Come up with a plan to help move forward.

• Give yourself some kindness and compassion if you can't solve it.

Connectfully offers psychology sessions to support you to develop skills to move from surviving to thriving. Need to reset your mindset, skillset or toolset, then get in touch!

Content Sources / Inspirations:

• "Do Positive Experiences Stick to your ribs?" Take in the Good blog by Dr. Rick Hanson (https://www.rickhanson.net/take-in-the-good/)

• TEDTalk "How to make stress your friend" by Dr. Kelly McGonigal (https://www.ted.com/talks/kelly_mcgonigal_how_to_make_stress_your_friend?language=en)

• The Struggle Switch by Dr Russ Harris, ACT Mindfully (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCp1l16GCXI)

• DNA-v training by Dr. Lousie Hayes.

• Other readings, resources and experiences that have shaped how I think.

Attention! Yes you! Now, please start reading this...go!

Welcome! You noticed this blog! Please settle in - you'll be here for about 3 minutes.

If you're still reading, you are giving your attention to this article right now. Perhaps at the same time you're listening to music, or trying to ignore the sound of kids banging away in the background, or perhaps you're lying under a warm comfy blanket and doing some scrolling before bed (*no judgement*).

Hmm is your mind wondering yet... instead of tuning in to the words on this page... Have you started compiling a to-do list? Just realised you forgot to buy an essential ingredient for tomorrow night's dinner? Or your fingers are about to switch over to your Instagram or Facebook page or your email?

If you answered "yes" and noticed your mind wondering elsewhere, I need to reassure you that it's okay and I'm not offended. Minds do that. Mine does that too. Even as I write this, I'm noticing that I'm thirsty, my feet are cold, and I forgot to call back my mum.

So what was the point of all those observations?

In any given moment, you can step back and notice your mind. Has your mind stayed on track with the task that you set out to do? Has your mind wondered away from that task? Did you spot your mind wondering and so directed it back? And then a few moments later, did you spot your mind wondering again? Has your mind ever ended up somewhere and you're not sure how you got there!?

When you notice where your mind is at, you are noticing where your attention is it. And what's fascinating about attention is that you can direct your attention OR your attention can direct you (think: social media; headlines; bright colours; loud sounds etc). Either way, whatever has your attention, becomes your priority (whether intended or not).

Attention refers to our mind's ability:

1. to "tune in" or focus on something specific that is happening either within us (e.g. our thoughts, body sensations) or outside of us (e.g. other people, or the environment), &

2. to "tune out" or ignore all the other things going on within and outside of us.

This means that whatever our attention tunes in to, at the same time, it also tunes out other things. Some find it useful to think of attention like a spotlight - whatever is illuminated by the beam of light is what is attended to, and whatever isn't illuminated is unattended (not noticed).

I like to tweak this metaphor by referring to attention like a spotlight in an already illuminated room. Why? Because we should be noticing both (a) what the spotlight is shining on, and (b) what the spotlight isn't shining on.

For example, when I make a choice to focus my energy on writing this article, I need to know that my choice is moving me in the right direction AND at the right time. My choice is only going to be effective if I decided it was the priority over all the other things I could be doing.

What's the take home message? NOTICE!

You have a choice about what you tune in to and what you tune out from. And this is a skill! It's called mindfulness.

In any given moment, you can step back and notice where your attention is at:

• Have you been proactive and directed your attention (i.e. you're focused on what's really important - like being the kind of person you want to be or doing the things you want to achieve)? or

• Have you been reactive and your attention directed you (i.e. you've been captivated by distractors - which may be your own thoughts or emotions or things happening around you)?

Wherever you find your mind, aim to be proactive and bring it back to the 'here and now' and on to what is most important. You might find yourself catching your mind over and over and over and over again... and that's great.... because you are exercising your attention just like you would a muscle in your body.

For assistance with how to strengthen your attention and build the skill of mindfulness, contact Connectfully. We aim to connect you fully to strategies that work.

Content Sources / Inspirations:

• Daniel Goleman on Focus: The Secret to High Performance and Fulfilment https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTfYv3IEOqM

• Question Time With Russ: Understanding Mindfulness https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEyLOTVFusk

• Daniel Goleman: Attention is Like a Muscle https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=quS2kK27U_4

• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) training.