'Time in': How to nurture your most important relationship – the one you have with yourself

I provided some input for this article about prioritising time with oneself, published in Mindful Puzzles.

For a lot of us, we are so busy doing, doing, doing, that we can't wait to have some time out.

Time out is time you can take to get away from the demands being placed on you (which includes other people and tasks). Some people call this "zoning out". You'll know you're taking time out when you feel kinda meh and whatever it is you're doing, you're lacking in presence and purpose (e.g. aimlessly scrolling on your phone; watching TV on auto-pilot; eating directly from the ice-cream tub; or even drinking just a few too many glasses of wine).

Time in is time you can take to move toward the kind of person you want to be. It's about taking some time to give yourself space to find your presence, connect with what matters to you, and reflect on where you are at. Unlike time out, time in, connects you to you! You are reflecting with purpose and taking some time for self-care. You'll know you're taking time in when you feel engaged in what you're doing in the moment (e.g. tuning in to you, journaling, reading a book for leisure; mindfully walking or exercising; eating something nourishing and maybe a little naughty; doing something creative etc).

Click here to access the article.

Attention! Yes you! Now, please start reading this...go!

Welcome! You noticed this blog! Please settle in - you'll be here for about 3 minutes.

If you're still reading, you are giving your attention to this article right now. Perhaps at the same time you're listening to music, or trying to ignore the sound of kids banging away in the background, or perhaps you're lying under a warm comfy blanket and doing some scrolling before bed (*no judgement*).

Hmm is your mind wondering yet... instead of tuning in to the words on this page... Have you started compiling a to-do list? Just realised you forgot to buy an essential ingredient for tomorrow night's dinner? Or your fingers are about to switch over to your Instagram or Facebook page or your email?

If you answered "yes" and noticed your mind wondering elsewhere, I need to reassure you that it's okay and I'm not offended. Minds do that. Mine does that too. Even as I write this, I'm noticing that I'm thirsty, my feet are cold, and I forgot to call back my mum.

So what was the point of all those observations?

In any given moment, you can step back and notice your mind. Has your mind stayed on track with the task that you set out to do? Has your mind wondered away from that task? Did you spot your mind wondering and so directed it back? And then a few moments later, did you spot your mind wondering again? Has your mind ever ended up somewhere and you're not sure how you got there!?

When you notice where your mind is at, you are noticing where your attention is it. And what's fascinating about attention is that you can direct your attention OR your attention can direct you (think: social media; headlines; bright colours; loud sounds etc). Either way, whatever has your attention, becomes your priority (whether intended or not).

Attention refers to our mind's ability:

1. to "tune in" or focus on something specific that is happening either within us (e.g. our thoughts, body sensations) or outside of us (e.g. other people, or the environment), &

2. to "tune out" or ignore all the other things going on within and outside of us.

This means that whatever our attention tunes in to, at the same time, it also tunes out other things. Some find it useful to think of attention like a spotlight - whatever is illuminated by the beam of light is what is attended to, and whatever isn't illuminated is unattended (not noticed).

I like to tweak this metaphor by referring to attention like a spotlight in an already illuminated room. Why? Because we should be noticing both (a) what the spotlight is shining on, and (b) what the spotlight isn't shining on.

For example, when I make a choice to focus my energy on writing this article, I need to know that my choice is moving me in the right direction AND at the right time. My choice is only going to be effective if I decided it was the priority over all the other things I could be doing.

What's the take home message? NOTICE!

You have a choice about what you tune in to and what you tune out from. And this is a skill! It's called mindfulness.

In any given moment, you can step back and notice where your attention is at:

• Have you been proactive and directed your attention (i.e. you're focused on what's really important - like being the kind of person you want to be or doing the things you want to achieve)? or

• Have you been reactive and your attention directed you (i.e. you've been captivated by distractors - which may be your own thoughts or emotions or things happening around you)?

Wherever you find your mind, aim to be proactive and bring it back to the 'here and now' and on to what is most important. You might find yourself catching your mind over and over and over and over again... and that's great.... because you are exercising your attention just like you would a muscle in your body.

For assistance with how to strengthen your attention and build the skill of mindfulness, contact Connectfully. We aim to connect you fully to strategies that work.

Content Sources / Inspirations:

• Daniel Goleman on Focus: The Secret to High Performance and Fulfilment https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTfYv3IEOqM

• Question Time With Russ: Understanding Mindfulness https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEyLOTVFusk

• Daniel Goleman: Attention is Like a Muscle https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=quS2kK27U_4

• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) training.

Is it a child's behaviour that's "the problem" or is it how we as adults see it?

When an adult (usually a parent or teacher) notices that a child is not following through with an instruction - say the child is not stopping a task or not starting a task as directed - then that adult may start thinking thoughts like:

• "This kid won't do it" / "This kid is lazy"

• "This kid only does what they want to do"

• "This kid is attention-seeking"

• "This kid is trying to manipulate me" / "The kid is testing me"

• "This kid never listens"

• "This kid should know better" etc etc etc

Do you notice anything about those thoughts?

They judge, label, blame, and see the child as purposely being non-compliant. Once thoughts like this begin to build up in that adult's mind, then feelings begin to erupt and that adult is likely to become frustrated, angry or even furious with that child.

When this happens, things escalate quickly! I call it "stinking-sinking-thinking" because:

• the adult may be offended by the child's response (behaviour) to the instruction and then see the child as unmotivated, attention-seeking, limit-testing or manipulative (this is the stinking part)

• the adult finds themselves getting caught up in unhelpful thoughts and intense feelings (this is the sinking part)

• the adult decides to win the battle, solve "the problem" and make the child comply (i.e. get rid of the non-compliant behaviour with rewards or punishment) (this is the more thinking part).

Is there another way to solve the situation?

Absolutely! Let's help the adult change (a) how they see the situation and (b) how they see "the problem" to be solved. To do this, the adult needs to get curious not furious about the child and the situation.

If you find yourself repeating instructions over and over again, perhaps it's time to say it once and then pause for a moment if the child is not responding. Following through with any instruction is more than just hearing the words, it involves skills!

When this happens, an adult can set the pace. I call it "linking-syncing-thinking" because:

• the adult simply notices (no judgement, no labelling, no blame) that the child is having difficulty with following through with their instruction (this is the linking part)

• the adult decides to step back, get 'in-sync' with the child and the situation, and see the bigger picture (this is the syncing part)

• the adult then wonders about: was my instruction clear? does the kid understand and how do I know this? is the instruction realistic and does the kid have the skills to do it? how can this kid help me understand what's getting in their way to begin the task? what can I do right now to soothe the situation and move forward? (this is the thinking part)

What's the take home message?

Non-compliance and challenging behaviour are just the signal that a child uses to communicate that they are stuck or that they are having difficulty meeting an expectation. When behaviour is seen through this lense, it leads to (a) greater understanding and connection with your child, and (b) solutions that your child can be involved in generating (you collaborate with your child) rather than solutions that you have decided on as the adult (which may involve using power over your child).

Keep this mind: "See a child differently...see a different child" - Dr. Stuart Shanker

For assistance with setting realistic expectations for your children and ways to effectively solve behavioral challenges, contact Connectfully. We aim to connect you fully to strategies that work.

Content Sources / Inspirations:

• Collaborative and Practice Solutions - Training by Lives in the Balance (with thanks to the wisdom of Dr Ross Greene Ph.D., Clinical Child Psychologist and Founding Director; and Cynthia Graton, Consultante et Superviseure CPS & Director of Quality Control; https://www.livesinthebalance.org/)

• Self-Reg - See a Child Differently and You’ll See a Different Child article (https://self-reg.ca/see-a-child-differently-and-youll-see-a-different-child/)