'Time in': How to nurture your most important relationship – the one you have with yourself

I provided some input for this article about prioritising time with oneself, published in Mindful Puzzles.

For a lot of us, we are so busy doing, doing, doing, that we can't wait to have some time out.

Time out is time you can take to get away from the demands being placed on you (which includes other people and tasks). Some people call this "zoning out". You'll know you're taking time out when you feel kinda meh and whatever it is you're doing, you're lacking in presence and purpose (e.g. aimlessly scrolling on your phone; watching TV on auto-pilot; eating directly from the ice-cream tub; or even drinking just a few too many glasses of wine).

Time in is time you can take to move toward the kind of person you want to be. It's about taking some time to give yourself space to find your presence, connect with what matters to you, and reflect on where you are at. Unlike time out, time in, connects you to you! You are reflecting with purpose and taking some time for self-care. You'll know you're taking time in when you feel engaged in what you're doing in the moment (e.g. tuning in to you, journaling, reading a book for leisure; mindfully walking or exercising; eating something nourishing and maybe a little naughty; doing something creative etc).

Click here to access the article.

Attention! Yes you! Now, please start reading this...go!

Welcome! You noticed this blog! Please settle in - you'll be here for about 3 minutes.

If you're still reading, you are giving your attention to this article right now. Perhaps at the same time you're listening to music, or trying to ignore the sound of kids banging away in the background, or perhaps you're lying under a warm comfy blanket and doing some scrolling before bed (*no judgement*).

Hmm is your mind wondering yet... instead of tuning in to the words on this page... Have you started compiling a to-do list? Just realised you forgot to buy an essential ingredient for tomorrow night's dinner? Or your fingers are about to switch over to your Instagram or Facebook page or your email?

If you answered "yes" and noticed your mind wondering elsewhere, I need to reassure you that it's okay and I'm not offended. Minds do that. Mine does that too. Even as I write this, I'm noticing that I'm thirsty, my feet are cold, and I forgot to call back my mum.

So what was the point of all those observations?

In any given moment, you can step back and notice your mind. Has your mind stayed on track with the task that you set out to do? Has your mind wondered away from that task? Did you spot your mind wondering and so directed it back? And then a few moments later, did you spot your mind wondering again? Has your mind ever ended up somewhere and you're not sure how you got there!?

When you notice where your mind is at, you are noticing where your attention is it. And what's fascinating about attention is that you can direct your attention OR your attention can direct you (think: social media; headlines; bright colours; loud sounds etc). Either way, whatever has your attention, becomes your priority (whether intended or not).

Attention refers to our mind's ability:

1. to "tune in" or focus on something specific that is happening either within us (e.g. our thoughts, body sensations) or outside of us (e.g. other people, or the environment), &

2. to "tune out" or ignore all the other things going on within and outside of us.

This means that whatever our attention tunes in to, at the same time, it also tunes out other things. Some find it useful to think of attention like a spotlight - whatever is illuminated by the beam of light is what is attended to, and whatever isn't illuminated is unattended (not noticed).

I like to tweak this metaphor by referring to attention like a spotlight in an already illuminated room. Why? Because we should be noticing both (a) what the spotlight is shining on, and (b) what the spotlight isn't shining on.

For example, when I make a choice to focus my energy on writing this article, I need to know that my choice is moving me in the right direction AND at the right time. My choice is only going to be effective if I decided it was the priority over all the other things I could be doing.

What's the take home message? NOTICE!

You have a choice about what you tune in to and what you tune out from. And this is a skill! It's called mindfulness.

In any given moment, you can step back and notice where your attention is at:

• Have you been proactive and directed your attention (i.e. you're focused on what's really important - like being the kind of person you want to be or doing the things you want to achieve)? or

• Have you been reactive and your attention directed you (i.e. you've been captivated by distractors - which may be your own thoughts or emotions or things happening around you)?

Wherever you find your mind, aim to be proactive and bring it back to the 'here and now' and on to what is most important. You might find yourself catching your mind over and over and over and over again... and that's great.... because you are exercising your attention just like you would a muscle in your body.

For assistance with how to strengthen your attention and build the skill of mindfulness, contact Connectfully. We aim to connect you fully to strategies that work.

Content Sources / Inspirations:

• Daniel Goleman on Focus: The Secret to High Performance and Fulfilment https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTfYv3IEOqM

• Question Time With Russ: Understanding Mindfulness https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEyLOTVFusk

• Daniel Goleman: Attention is Like a Muscle https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=quS2kK27U_4

• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) training.

The end of the year is almost here... so where are you at?

This post is for those of us who are feeling the strain of a year filled with lots of demands and thoughts have started to creep in that we just don't have the capacity to manage any more.

Epictetus (a first century Greek-born slave of Rome who became a great philosopher and teacher) is said to have shared this wisdom:

"It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.

When something happens, the only thing in your power is your attitude toward it; you can either accept it or resent it".

Have you noticed more and more...

• a growing gap between your capacity AND the demands of the situation (you have noticed thoughts like, 'I don't want this to be happening to me!’, 'I can't do it all', 'I just can't handle any more', 'When will I get a break!?'),

• you have little to no time to actively soothe and recharge your energy,

• you are winding down after work in unhelpful ways (e.g. drinking excessive alcohol or using recreational drugs; over-eating or eating junk food or not eating enough; you are glued to your screen / device), and/or

• your home life is impacted (from sleep to your social life to engagement in your usual enjoyable activities).

For a lot of us, we get stuck for far too long in drive mode (doing, doing, doing) or threat mode (managing threats, stressors or surviving), without having adequate rest. The body is designed to sustain periods of intense activity, which are balanced with periods of rest, recovery and soothing (the soothe mode). Soothing is not the same as "escaping", "avoiding" or "zoning out"; soothing is about actively slowing down and caring about yourself.

So where are you at? Are you managing stress or do you ping-pong between:

1. Avoidance (blocking) - ignoring unpleasant feelings; restlessness, inability to ‘stop’, anxiety, or 2. Overwhelm (drowning) - feeling overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, exhaustion, physical inactivity, depression, withdrawal.

If you are blocking, you will be entirely outcome-focused and are no longer planning, monitoring, being in the here and now, and looking after all of your needs. Without rest, you may flip into overwhelm, and if that continues, you are at risk of burning out.

Take a deep breath right now, in this moment... five seconds in, five slow seconds out...

It's time to get curious and reset your mindset!

Here's something to think about: Are you defining success in life as productivity?

If you are only outcome-focused, then you may get stuck ticking things off, and in doing, doing, doing. What if you think of success in life also in terms of connection with others, how mindful (present) you are, and how much you are living by your values (what matters most to you and the kind of person you want to be)?

Oh and here's a little more inspiration from Maya Angelou, acclaimed American poet, storyteller, and activist:

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

As the new year begins...take time for yourself to celebrate what's going well for you, to get curious about your stuck points, connect with what matters to you (including to people around you), and to plan a new way forward. Have a fully connected one!

Connectfully offers coaching sessions to support you to find your path and navigate it well. Please connect if this sounds interesting to you.

Content Sources / Inspirations:

• Vidyamala Burch, Breakworks – Online Teachings / I heard Ms Burch's talk with Dr Elise Bialylew during Mindful in May 2020 (https://www.mindfulinmay.org/ and it was mind-changing!)

• Dr Russ Harris – Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) Training and Online Teachings (https://www.actmindfully.com.au/)

• Collaborative and Practice Solutions - Training by Lives in the Balance (with thanks to the wisdom of Dr Ross Greene Ph.D., Clinical Child Psychologist and Founding Director; and Cynthia Graton, Consultante et Superviseure CPS & Director of Quality Control; https://www.livesinthebalance.org/)

• Paul Gilbert, Ph.D. via The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine (NICABM online) - 3 Circles Model of Emotion (Threat System, Drive System, Soothing System)

• Collaborative Recovery Model - Training (with thanks to the amazing team at the Illawarra Institute of Mental Health, University of Wollongong, and The Salvation Army)

• A google search on "who said: it's not what happens to you but how you react".